DR. DOMENICK MAGLIO
Hernando Today

Modern parents no longer feel comfortable in their child’s ability to independently function in school. They believe the only option they have is to be fanatically involved in their child’s school life.


This means parents feel obliged to do the child’s assignments, personally reprimand the child’s peers for normal childish disagreements, defend their child’s indefensible misdeeds and attempt to coerce the teacher to favor their child over his classmates. The child’s education has become their education.
The parent’s, usually the mother’s, overbearing involvement in her child’s education robs the child of the natural instinct to learn and be independent. It creates the false belief that the parents will always be there to do his bidding and bail him out.
The mothers’ need to hover over the child begins in his first school experience. They are armed with a long list of questions. The parent magazine’s questions are phrased in a manner to engender paranoia in any mother. The objective of these questions is how to avoid a potentially abusive situation. The obsession concerning the teacher’s behavior prevents the more important examination of the child’s functioning in school. These parents feel required to be involved in the minutia of the child’s education rather than having faith in the school to do its jobs.
Mothers often respond to the pressure of protecting their children by attempting to micromanage the child’s school day to insure his safety. They often linger in classrooms, volunteer for every field trip and question their child not about what was the daily learning to supplement it but what the teacher did that was unusual.
Children quickly learn to do what works. Knowing how to gain an instant audience with one’s parents is a hard temptation to resist. The more the child talks about classroom situations, the more he has the parent in his grasp. This motivates many children to fabricate situations to avoid having to deal with their own shortcomings or misbehavior.
This parent paranoia concerning school is recognized by the child as a trigger to obtain his parent’s attention. This is a dangerous process as it gives the child unbelievable power with no responsibility. The ability to manipulate his parents reduces the fear of consequences in school. The lack of parental expectations of appropriate conduct for a child in school relieves the child of having to follow the teacher’s direction.

When a parent believes that her child does not lie, the parent is setting herself and her child up for future conflicts with authority. If the mother believes that the child will report everything accurately and precisely to her, it is logical for her to think that she knows everything that is happening in the classroom simply by speaking to the child. According to this thinking, the child’s eyes are like cameras giving the parents a direct view into the inner workings of the school. This makes it unnecessary to ask the teacher questions. The parent already knows “the facts.”
However, this premise is false making the mother’s initial reaction antagonistic to rather than supportive of, the school. Any gossip concerning school encourages the child to embellish those incidents. This parental manipulation empowers the child not to follow the structure and rules that facilitate learning. Children are the losers when parents do not have a willingness to hear the authority’s side of the story.
Parents’ inability to place their faith in the school makes them unable to sufficiently relax to appreciate the child’s learning. The child senses school is more about his parent’s feelings toward his school rather than his responsibility to learn. Children are given a free pass to put little effort into their studies.
Parents attempting to micromanage their child’s school can correct this destructive behavior by doing the following:
-Encourage the child to speak up to resolve his own difficulties.
-Realize leading questions often result in a child creating a distorted picture.
-Remember a child is able and willing to use deception to get what he wants.
-Ask the teacher questions about issues the child has raised before jumping to conclusions.
-Require the child to do his own work.
-Do not make excuses for the child not meeting the teacher’s expectations.
Parents already have completed their own formal education and should not waste theirs and their children’s time by trying to live the child’s life. Only by making the child independent and accountable at home and at school can the parent expect the child to have a successful school experience.

Dr. Maglio is the author of “Invasion Within” and “Essential Parenting.” He is a psychotherapist and the owner/director of Wider Horizons School. Visit: www.drmaglio.com.

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