Scott Stinson
National Post

It was obvious that the woman was doomed. She was walking quickly, an anxious look on her face, her eyes scanning back and forth in search of one — or perhaps several–of her children.


Then, about 10 feet above her, a boy of about eight pulled a rope, dumping a bucket of water on the woman’s head.

She shrieked, snapping her head up to see from whence the water came. The boy smirked and waved. Busted? Hardly. This is a waterpark, lady. You keep your head up, or you pay the price.

It’s a lesson that is of particular importance at Great Wolf Lodge, the newest addition to the roster of hotels serving Niagara Falls, and also the biggest and brightest addition to the local waterpark canon. It has 13 slides, a wave pool, a “lazy river” with a slow current, seven pools with various floaty things and a large complex of huts and bridges and stairs that is decked out with countless water cannons, hoses and buckets such as the one that the kid unloaded on the unsuspecting woman. And if none of that gets you wet, there is a 4,000-litre bucket that is perpetually filled, dumped and refilled.

Oh, and it’s indoors. No sunscreen required.

It is, in short, the kind of place that renders children delirious with glee. Most of them, wary of all the “no running” signs and the dozens of whistle-toting, Croc-wearing lifeguards, scuttle around the place like upright crabs, arms flailing and legs moving quickly — but not so quickly as to technically be called a run.

The parents display a far wider range of emotions. The waterpark is a litmus test for their approach to parenting. Some — fathers, usually — recline on loungers, serene in the knowledge that their children will be happy and occupied for several hours. Others appear completely frazzled by the chaos of the place. The kind of parent who wants to keep an eye on their children at all times is fighting an uphill battle in a place that is about 100,000 square feet, unless they rig the kids with GPS units. Waterproof GPS units.

The rest of the hotel is similarly oriented toward children. But maybe that is understating things. Most “child friendly” hotels offer free meals and perhaps a supervised play area. Great Wolf Lodge calls its lobby a “living room,” where it hosts nightly story times. Young ones are invited to put on their slippers and pyjamas to listen to stories told by enthusiastic staffers at the base of an animatronic talking tree, which is right next to the talking bear and the talking moose, and across the lobby — sorry, living room — from the fireplace and the howling wolves.

Most important, in a feat of design that is theoretically aimed at children but is really a benefit for the parents, many of the hotel suites have separate rooms with their own bunk bed and television. Genius, I tell you. The suites are painted to look like camp tents or wolf dens, which keeps with the decor theme of the rest of the hotel, which is best described as Northern Woods Kitsch. Everything in the entire massive facility sticks to the concept. The splash pad is thus Bear Paw Landing and the waterslides have names like Bobcat Falls. There’s the Northern Lights Arcade and the Wacky Wilderness Mini-Golf. Even the spa is called Elements. It may be a little over-the-top on the cheese meter, but the kids sure seem to like it.

Even if it makes the parents a little twitchy.

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