by Marilyn Heins
www.azstarnet.com

Q We have a 21-month-old who is very attached to our four dogs. One of the dogs, Spot, is almost 12. Although she’s healthy, I expect she is probably nearing the end of her life.
Our son is very communicative. He uses a combination of sign language (he knows about 85 signs) and words. He seems to understand much of what we say to him. Often, during the day, he will say or sign, “Daddy bye-bye car,” or he’ll ask to call Daddy on the phone to listen to his voice.
If the dog dies while he’s still so young, I don’t want to tell him that Spot went “bye-bye.” I am OK with telling him the dog died and will not be coming back, but I just don’t know how he will comprehend that. Also, I’m a firm believer in allowing children to see the body to help them understand the finality of death and to say goodbye. However, I don’t know if there’s any benefit in doing this with such a young child.


A I agree with you that it is best to say “died” rather than “went bye-bye.” This is telling your child the truth, and truth is the basis for trust.
The death of a pet or coming across the body of a wild creature, such a dead rabbit or bird, is often a child’s first exposure to the concept of death. This becomes a teachable moment, so parents should be prepared to answer any and all questions.
A child between about 2 and 4 can be told that death means the person or animal has stopped breathing. This means the body isn’t working anymore, and there is nothing we can do. Usually this happens when people or animals are very old, like Spot was.
You can go on to explain that Spot’s body was worn out because she was so old. Now she is dead and won’t come back. Where did she go? I told my young children that dead pets went to doggy or kitty heaven. Some little creatures, such as dead baby birds, were buried in the backyard with the entire family participating in a proper and solemn funeral.
Nowadays when a pet dies, the veterinarian offers cremation as an option. Rendering a body into ashes is a tough concept for a child this young, so I would leave this part out, although older children can take part in a scattering-the-ashes ceremony.

Generally, when a pet — even a beloved one — dies, preschool children merely want to know what happened, and they get over it rather quickly, although they continue to mention it. (”It’s sad that Spot died” or “I miss my dog.”) But the death may bring up other questions such as, “Will you die, Mommy?” Your answer: “Everybody dies, but not until I’m very old, so I will be here to take care of you.”
Let your child’s questions or comments guide you, but the rule is truth with compassion and with an understanding of the child’s developmental stage.
Saying goodbye to a dying dog is OK. It’s healthy for the family to cry and grieve together. Many pets today are taken to the veterinarian for euthanasia after all remedies have been exhausted and the animal is either in pain or no longer has the ability to live a quality doggy life. A preschooler doesn’t belong there, but if a preteen or teen insists, and you can be there to provide support, I might agree. However, think it through, because you know your child better than anyone else does. Some adults find it too distressing to watch, while others want to hold the dog.
As for seeing Spot’s body, that depends on the condition of the dog. If the dog gets hit by a car and is mangled, I would say no.
Be sure to share your grief: “I am so sad that Spot died. I miss her.” Cry with your child. Then draw a picture or pick flowers for the grave or any other task that empowers the child to deal with grief.

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