BY MARYAM KUBASEK
The Enquirer

Well, here’s yet another thing for parents to worry about. Norwegian researchers report that boys treated as the eldest in the family score higher on IQ tests. But they stress that this finding is less about being the oldest and more about being treated like the oldest. Sounds like a little scientific shuck and jive to me.

Allegedly, being a firstborn male gives you a leg up in the IQ department. Hmmm. Explain to me why my younger son, age 7, appears to have been born knowing how to program the TV but my elder son, age 9, still isn’t quite sure how to turn it on. On the flip side, my eldest is an extreme extrovert. My youngest needs his alone time. Is this because my 9-year-old is the eldest? I doubt it. He’s simply inherited his father’s sociability.

A scientist at the University of California, Berkeley, called the analysis “elegantly designed.” I’m no scientist, but since when is research elegant? A Vera Wang wedding gown is elegant. Research … not so much.

Anyway, this fellow suggests that the elder child pulls ahead as a result of learning gained through tutoring younger siblings. The older child benefits by having to organize and express his thoughts to tutor youngsters, while the others may have no one to tutor. You’ve got to be kidding. I can say with authority that my eldest son rarely “organizes or expresses his thoughts” to tutor his little brother. Why can’t they come up with some information that’s actually useful? Like why a boy can memorize the name, birthplace and playing statistics of just about every NHL player but can’t remember to brush his teeth?

Here’s a news flash - that’s just the way God made ‘em. Oh, and stop the presses - kids in the same family are amazingly different. I recognize there is something to be gained from examining the implications of birth order. But we’re in dangerous territory when we begin to label our kids as the smart one or the athletic one or the socially gifted one or the shy one.

I’m content that both my boys are fearfully and wonderfully made and that their creator has a plan for their life - regardless of birth order.
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